Keeping Pregnancy Sexy: A List of Dates, Positions & Wellness Tips to Spice Things Up

Pregnancy: it might not be something you naturally think of as sexy. Lucky for you, though, most partners will find a new adoration for you after seeing your body carry and grow a child. While it may not seem like the hottest thing while watching models strut during NYFW- we’ve got some tips to help you, and your partner, feel sexy during pregnancy.

At-Home Dates To Try Now

Get Massages. Have a masseuse come to your house and give you a couples massage. And yes, they come with their own tables! Alternatively, take turns giving massages with your partner. Candles and massage oil required. No skimping here!

Go on a Picnic. A handful of picnic companies have been popping up to address the restaurant closures this year. Whether you want to hire one, or set it up yourself, it’s the perfect weekend activity. Tips for setting up your own picnic: brings blankets, pillows, Trader Joes cheeses, and a low table if possible. Don’t forget a speaker with some French Jazz in the background. Go around sunset, and voila!

Indulge in all your favorite foods. Pregnancy cravings are real. So why not have a night devoted to fulfilling them? Order all of you and your partner’s favorite guilty cravings. Enjoy with a movie! Alternatively, if you’re feeling up to it, get in the car and play rock paper scissors- the first to win picks the restaurant to pick up appetizers from. Play again. The second winner picks entrees. Next, dessert!

Go on a Babymoon. Traveling right now is starting to ease up, but still take precautions and stay within your comfort zone/ city requirements- several Airbnb’s have reopened with strict cleaning protocols. Have a lowkey babymoon locally. Bring cleaning supplies, pillow cases, slippers, and your own toiletries to be extra clean when walking around the unit!

Have a Game Night. We’re huge fans of We’re Not Really Strangers. If you don’t own it already, buy it and the relationship expansion Pack. Write down some of your favorite answers and cherish this alone time you have with your partner before the baby arrives.

Sex Positions

The Spoon. Lie down on your side and have your partner enter from behind. It’s low impact on your belly and bladder, and easy on the tummy during any trimester. Some even say it’s the best position for the third trimester!

Edge of the Bed. Liie down, face-up on the edge of the bed. Have your partner sit on his knees and enter from that position. This way, you can control the movement and also sit comfortably!

Standing. Have your partner stand behind you. Can be done in the shower, hallway, kitchen… You name it. Go at it, mama!

Go on the Bottom. Yes, you heard us right! Sex while being on bottom doesn’t have to be high impact on your baby. Put a pillow under your hips to prop yourself up. You can also put your hands on your partner’s hips to begin if you’re worried about them going too deep. Once you get into a flow, your pelvic muscles will relax, and you can remove your hands as a guard.  

A little uneasy about getting going again in bedroom? We’ve got you covered. Read our article where we get down and dirty, answering all of the sex-while-pregnant questions you might be too afraid to ask.

Wellness Tips

Prenatal Vitamins

Don’t get us started. Okay, never mind, get us started. Prenatals are something you should absolutely take, but please research them. The amount of variation in each vitamin is, quite frankly, surprising- and unfortunately some doctors don’t fully know what’s in the ones they’re recommending. On a trip to the drugstore, you’ll see that some have B12 levels of 100, and others ranged all the way up to 3,500 percent of the recommended daily dose. In other words, they’re all over the place.

 One thing to keep on your radar is any trace of heavy metals; even in small, small amounts, they have been linked to decreased growth in infants, decreased I.Q., and developmental problems, and can be found in prenatal vitamins. Do your research (but ultimately trust your practitioner’s advice!).

Here are some prenatal vitamins we recommend:

1. Ritual Essential Prenatal Vitamins: The next-generation prenatal with 12 key nutrients for before and during pregnancy.

2. Pure Encapsulation PreNatal Nutrients Vitamins: A multivitamin/mineral complex for pregnancy and lactation  

Affection 

Love changes and travels through stages during life. The love we experienced as a teenager, the love we experience with our friends and family, and the love we experience with our life partner all correlate but intensely vary. Love, too, goes through changes during pregnancy. There’s a lot of new feelings in the mix, but most importantly- the addition of a new member to the family.

Did you ever have a moment where you felt left out, or the third wheel when you were in high school? Yep, us too. We’ve all been there, and it’s not a great feeling. Oddly enough, the bond you have with your baby growing is different than the one your partner is feeling- naturally, it’s because you’re the one growing the baby! Partners can feel intimidated or even left out – after all, they don’t have the same inner relationship that you have. And on top of that, they might be missing out on some affection from you.

Studies have shown that mothers are able to fulfill their sense of intimacy through contact with their children, which leaves partners feeling abandoned at times. Your first trimester may bring nausea, fears of miscarriage, and general discomfort- so don’t stress yourself out. But try to keep in mind that your partner, too, needs affection during the process.

Exercise 

Cherish the beginning of your pregnancy; don’t push yourself to exercise before you’re ready. Everything is always about balance, so it’s key to listen to your body through your pregnancy. While being pregnant, you’re going to have to tap into a whole new set of skills to feel what your body is going through. Whether you were an athlete and frequent exerciser prior to pregnancy or never hit the gym, there is one rule we require here: you will only start working out when and how your practitioner allows you to. And past that, it’ll be all about you and listening to what your body needs. Also, remember to redefine what “exercise” is while pregnant. For many, this can mean just taking walks and moving around. It doesn’t mean a full Barry’s class!

Intimacy 

Mama, you need sex! Yes, you heard us right. No, your baby will not feel it, the semen will not poison it, and you will be totally okay (of course, this is assuming a normal pregnancy, so please consult with your practitioner). But sex is essential for you to enjoy yourself and remain connected with your partner. Try exploring this through touch, massages, and connecting if you’re not “in the mood”. Expect to not feel sexy during your first trimester- which is totally okay. Talk it through with your partner and find joy in the new ways of connecting.

Sex While Pregnant: All the Questions You’re Too Nervous to Ask

So you’ve been trying and trying and finally, it’s happened: you’re pregnant and expecting. Two pink lines on a plastic stick have started to change your body, and well, just about everything in your life. But you probably have one small question that feels a little weird to ask—can you still have sex while pregnant? What are the limits?

We’re here to answer all you’re wondering: is sex safe during pregnancy, do you need to use protection, and can it trigger labor? Don’t worry, these aren’t necessarily common knowledge and we totally understand why you’re curious. So, let’s get to it (that pun was kind of intended). 

Can sex hurt my pregnancy or my baby? 

The short answer here is, go crazy! Well, not like honeymoon phase crazy, because we all know how those positions can land you upside down in no time. But yes, if you have a normal pregnancy, there is little to no risk in having sex, as long as you’re checking in with your practitioner and staying on top of your checkups. Most women can actually have sex (if they’re feeling up to it) all the way up until their water breaks. Be sure to ask your practitioner about any risks, because every pregnancy is different. Practitioners may not recommend sex if you have a history of miscarriages, preterm labor, abnormal vaginal bleeding, amniotic sac leakage, or other complications. 

Can you hit the baby if you go deep enough? 

Don’t worry, your little one won’t be a spectator in the activities you have going on between the sheets. In fact, no matter how blessed your partner is, he still won’t be able to reach the baby; the baby is not growing in your vagina. Your baby is actually very well protected by your uterus and a layer of muscle - cocooned by amniotic fluid. That amniotic sac will keep your baby warm and protected, in the strong walls of your uterus and behind your cervix. And if you feel some movement- that’s just a coincidence, or maybe because your little one likes the soothing, rocking motion.

Still unsure about how to connect with your partner in the bedroom? Don’t worry. We spoke with a licensed midwife, Leopi Sanderson-Edmunds, about navigating sex from a more experiential perspective. Read more in our article here!

Do I have to use protection? 

Many people don’t wear condoms during pregnancy because, obviously, you’re already pregnant. However, a large risk that you may not be thinking about is Sexually Transmitted Infections (STI’s). Infections such as Chlamydia, Syphilis, Herpes, Hepatitis B, Gonorrhea, and others can be dangerous for your baby, and affect your delivery. During your first appointments during pregnancy, you’ll be tested for STI’s, but what is still a possibility is contracting it later in the pregnancy. Just make sure to consult with your doctor before going unprotected. 

Will it feel good? Can I orgasm? 

Okay, hear us out first trimester warriors- it is totally normal not to feel in the mood right now. Your first trimester is a plethora of change, plus it’s oftentimes filled with nausea, tiredness, and mood swings, so don’t feel the need to push yourself! You’re going through a lot, and your partner will understand. 

Once your symptoms from the first trimester start to fade (or maybe you were still feeling frisky anyways), sex during pregnancy could be some of the best sex of your life. Yep, you heard us right! Many women have said sex during pregnancy was way better than sex before- and there’s a reason for this. During pregnancy, there’s actually an increase in blood flow to your pelvic area, so it actually makes orgasms more powerful. On the other hand, you also may never want to have sex again, and literally want to strangle your partner for even asking. And that’s okay too. One day at a time, one day at a time. Just know you’re not alone- having lower libido levels is totally normal, too.

What are other ways to stay connected to my partner if I don’t want to have sex? 

Try keeping up that physical touch in other ways! Cuddling, making out, giving massages, or even oral sex will keep that love alive. Just because you’re not inside each other doesn’t mean you have to lose your passion. 

What are the best positions to try during pregnancy? 

The quick answer here is you’re going to have to test it out. Just like pre-pregnancy, some positions feel better than others. Most women find that positions with little to no pressure on their abdomen are best, so give these a try: 

Go on top! If you have the energy, going on top can be comfortable since there isn’t any pressure on your abdomen. 

On a chair - Try having your partner sit on a chair and climb on top. Try facing the same way, and the opposite way and see if either one feels good.

The edge of the bed - Similar to a chair, this will have low impact and be an easy position for you. Try sitting on your partner.

From little spoon position - Lie down with your partner facing your back and entering from behind. This position tends to be a little more shallow, which won’t push on your abdominal wall.

Missionary - If you want to do missionary (or get in a quickie), wedge a pillow under your pelvis so you’re tilted upwards, and make sure your partner doesn’t have any weight on your belly. 

Can sex trigger labor? 

By your third trimester, you could be experiencing some mild contractions. This could be triggered by so many things, but it’s also worth noting you may feel them after an orgasm- but not to worry! Generally speaking, if you have a normal, low-risk pregnancy, an orgasm can’t trigger early labor. Of course, make sure to check with your practitioner to make sure you’re not at high risk, but sexual stimulation itself cannot push your baby out. In your final weeks, it could create the activity needed to start labor, but that won’t happen unless you’re ready. 

Are there benefits to having sex during pregnancy? 

Ab-so-lutely. Let’s start by saying that if you can’t have sex during pregnancy, it’s not a world ender- but if you can muster the energy and willpower, it’s really healthy to do. Here’s why:

It’s a good form of exercise - Yep! Get that heart rate up! 

You can have better orgasms - As mentioned above, the increased circulation can make for killer orgasms.

Better sleep - releasing that energy will help you relax and will release good hormones.

It can help with discomfort - Orgasms release oxytocin, a hormone that increases your pain tolerance!

Develop a closer bond with your partner - Partners can sometimes feel like all the attention is on baby, and they want some of it too! Navigating through this time together and exploring the changes in your body will bring you closer. 

Changes in Your Relationship (and Body) that Happen After You Give Birth

I think I speak for us all when I say for a majority of life - women think about pregnancy a lot. You think about those 9 months, the trimesters, the ways your body will change throughout, and all the fun details - picking names, reading into your child’s zodiac sign- okay, maybe not really but you can’t say that hasn’t crossed your mind, right? 

Well, one thing we aren’t usually prepared for is the after. Not until I was pregnant, actually, did I start to think about it after. Or maybe if we’re being honest - not until after, did I think about after. Our bodies undergo a major transformation during pregnancy, that’s no secret - but they undergo an equivalently similar one post-delivery (not to mention our emotions, too). And while you can find a book down to the daily changes that happen when you’re pregnant, the different vegetable sizes your baby is during each week, and even predictions on how different types of music can determine your child’s IQ - your health and relationship with your partner after birth are easily overlooked, which becomes increasingly more stressful as you begin to care for your new addition on little to no sleep. 

Some women I’ve spoken to have even said they felt blindsided by their bodies, relationships, and emotions post-baby. Here are some things you can expect:

Changes in your emotions.

This section should come as no surprise - if you’re pregnant or have been pregnant, you understand this rollercoaster. Your hormones have been fluctuating like crazy to prepare for birth, and once you’ve delivered, your progesterone levels drop significantly, which can cause mood swings, anxiety, and depression for a few weeks after birth. Sometimes this can lead to postpartum depression, which is categorized by the same symptoms, but last longer. 

Tips for the emotional shifts: keep a written diary to help you release some emotions, or at least make sense of them. Write down the things you’re feeling grateful for (whether that’s a heavy dish of Fettucini Alfredo, or for your body which is literally growing a human being). 

Two’s company, three’s a… crowd? 

Speaking of a deep desire to bond with your baby - upon your little one’s new arrival, you’re also going to have a new dynamic in your relationship. This whole time, it’s just been the two on you, and sometimes moving into this transition can be difficult. 

You’ll have new (sometimes difficult) decisions about parenting, all while adjusting to not being the only thing on your partner’s mind. Sometimes partners can struggle when they feel sidelined - make sure to still pay attention to each other and give each other a pat on the back from time to time for the work that’s going into being new parents (on such little sleep).

Tips for keeping attention on each other: Try to plan a nightly check-in with your partner, maybe before you go to bed. Make a point to talk about your favorite part of the day and something you noticed that your partner did that you appreciated. 

Body shifts.

Thought your breasts were big enough from pregnancy? Think again. All that extra progesterone we were talking about above is going to make your breasts even larger, especially with all that milk in there. This will typically peak two to three days after you give birth, as well as make your breasts pretty sore. As you transition to breastfeeding, the swelling will go down. 

Tips for swelling: Rest, rest, rest! It will go down.

Let’s get to where the main event took place: your vagina. 

If you had a vaginal delivery, you were probably already expecting a bruised, swollen vagina. If you had a C-section, that means you’re dealing with a similarly swollen and bruised incision, along with puffy abdominal muscles. In both instances: painkillers and rest will be your best friends. Some other tips for vaginal recovery: try dipping a pad in witch hazel, or applying ice in your underwear to help decrease inflammation. 

Tips for your vagina: Again, painkillers and rest will be your best friends (at the advisement of your practitioner). 

Above all - Keep your and your partner’s mental health as a top priority during this time. You’re undergoing a lot of changes, so don’t be hard on yourself. You just brought a beautiful new life into the world, and for that, you should be so proud.

Careers in Birth Work: The Many Ways To Get Involved

Ever heard the expression, “It takes a village?” Thaaat’s because it does. Each phase of pregnancy has a specialist, a guru, and a support group. That’s precisely why we’re so interested in the world surrounding the incredible process of birth. It’s full of people working hard to make women feel empowered and in control of a somewhat unpredictable experience. We believe birth work is among the most rewarding careers to pursue. You’ve heard of a doula and a midwife, but there are so many other birth work careers worth exploring. The following is a list of eight birth worker positions and how you can get started!

Childbirth Educator

What is it? The purpose of a childbirth educator is to properly inform and prepare a family or individual for what they are about to experience during pregnancy, labor, and postpartum. They provide a safe place for their client to ask any question or voice any fears they may have about birth. They may also host courses, classes, and support groups for anyone interesting in learning the ins and outs of childbirth. 

What training is required? Certification is necessary to receive professional recognition as a childbirth educator. CAPPA, or the Childbirth and Postpartum Professional Association is an excellent program to receive training through. They offer a few different course levels including an entirely online program. 

Prenatal Nutrition Counselor

What is it? A nutrition counselor provides information about the variety and quantity of nutrients a pregnant woman should be consuming as well as the number of calories she should take in each day. The emphasis on diet during pregnancy is necessary to optimize the healthy growth of the fetus while keeping the mother nourished as well. 

What training is required? You must become a certified nutritionist in order to practice as a prenatal nutrition counselor. We recommend IIN (Institute For Integrative Nutrition), a very popular holistic nutrition program whose online training course emphasizes dietary theories and nutrition science. 

Prenatal Massage Therapist

What is it? A prenatal massage therapist specializes in providing relaxation and physical stress relief in pregnant women using gentle pressure. The techniques work in tandem with the anatomical changes the female body experiences during pregnancy. 

What training is required? Specific prenatal masseuse certification is required before practicing. Body Therapy Education provides both an in-person and online prenatal massage certification course that is recognized by DONA, the Doulas of North America. 

Ever wonder what it’s like to be a male in the birth work space? Well, we spoke with Austin Humble, the recent founder of Compa Doula, and got the scoop on what it’s like working in an industry fueled by female energy… but not to worry, he brought a spark of his own. Read more here!

Maternity & Newborn Photographer

What is it? Maternity & Newborn Photographers are the ones responsible for those adorable photos you get in the mail of your friend’s new baby, or those stunning bare belly portraits of pregnant mamas you see on Instagram. Not only are these photographers artists, but they certainly need to have a way with children in order to capture that brief moment of focus a child has before staring off into space again. 

What training is required? Fortunately, no formal training or certification is required. You just need a good eye and artistic sensibility. Although, photography books and courses would be a great idea if you’re looking to start a serious business. Invest in a camera and start shooting pregnant friends and their beautiful babies!

Lactation Consultant

What is it? With the many difficulties that can occur during breastfeedings such as latching problems, lack of milk production, or painful feeding, a lactation consultant prepares their client for any struggles and most importantly, teaches them how to most efficiently feed their growing baby. They can also help with babies who may not be gaining enough weight. A lactation consultant typically has widespread knowledge but specializes in the postpartum. 

What training is required? Official certification requires at least 90 hours of lactation education and 1000 hours of clinical experience with new mothers and their children. Lactation Education offers an online CLSC (Certified Lactation Specialist Course) with live instructors. 

Newborn Night Nurse

What is it? A night nurse is a nanny or caretaker who works the night shift, giving the newborn’s mother/parents a chance to get some well-deserved sleep. The nurse will soothe the baby when they wake, bottle feed them, rock them back to sleep and provide peace of mind for the whole family. 

What training is required? While the word “nurse” is often used, this role is closer to a babysitter or nanny, so professional nurse training is not necessary for this job. Although, extensive newborn, postnatal, sleep training, and childcare knowledge is. Being a night nurse is about building a strong relationship and trust with the family you’re providing care for. And maybe taking a nap during the daytime… 

Prenatal/Postnatal Fitness Instructor

What is it? A prenatal fitness instructor will help guide you during your workouts, ensuring your intensity and positioning are safe for you and the baby. A postnatal fitness instructor is someone you will turn to when you’re ready to start gaining back some core strength, stability, and overall muscle tone you may have lost during pregnancy. Postnatal fitness often focuses on the re-strengthening of the pelvic floor. 

What training is required? Much like any standard trainer, official certification is required. AFPA fitness has an amazing pre/postnatal program that focuses on pre/postnatal physiology, trimester-specific exercise, and optimal maternal health. It’s online, go-at-your-own-pace, and totally affordable. 

Prenatal Chiropractor 

What is it? While it is difficult to find practices that are solely dedicated to prenatal chiropractics, all certified chiropractors receive training in prenatal care and then some go on to make it their specialty. Pregnancy puts a tremendous strain on the back and chiropractic treatment may provide relief, better sleep, more energy, and less anxiety. 

What training is required? You obviously have to obtain the standard chiropractic training and certification which typically requires four years of schooling and clinical training. However, if you’re focusing on prenatal chiro, you’ll want to make sure you’re getting women-specific training and supplementing your program with pelvic floor therapy training. 

A Male Perspective On Birth Work: An Interview with Austin Humble

Austin Humble, the recent founder of Compa Doula, is a young man with a vision and passion for birth work beyond his years. His sense of curiosity for the divine feminine as well as his eagerness to spread his birth philosophy radiates a sense of comfort, humility, and lightness that is exactly what we would want in a doula. Not to mention, his beautiful newborn daughter, Willow, joined us for the conversation, chiming in with various baby noises that made us all smile. 

Before we talk about your new business, I wanted to ask you about being a new father! Congratulations. What has surprised you most about fatherhood?

Oh, man. What has really surprised me is that I could just put her [Willow] on the ground and watch her for three hours and still be invested and inquisitive. Usually, I flit from thing to thing, but with Willow, she requires a lot of attention in a cool way. It’s like, I WANT to give her all my attention and she’s easy to focus on. And of course, they say, you’ll never love something like your child. And that’s surprising, even though you know ahead of time that that’s coming. 

You’re also a new father in the middle of a pandemic. What anxieties and stresses have you experienced with everything that’s going on in the world right now? Pandemic aside, your wife also went into labor during the Black Lives Matter riots here in LA. 

Britta Bushnell in her book “Transformed By Birth,” talks about how the birthing partner needs to be the banks to their partners’ river so they can be free to change and move and embrace the wild nature of labor. And Casie [Austin’s wife], had to remind me while all the news was happening and the helicopters were hovering, that it was time to turn it off. She said, “I can’t have that energy around this birth space right now.” And so that’s been one thing. Just that mindfulness that I want to be the protector of this space, the cultivator of this garden. And with the pandemic, I actually started doing a lot of cooking. I really fell in love with cooking really nourishing foods for Casie. I felt like, if I’m giving Casie a bowl of warm, nourishing food, then I’m, in effect, helping the baby. And as for staying at home, all of those peaceful homebody things are also great for a pregnant Mama. So there’s some alignment there. 

So tell me how you got interested in birth work. How did you begin Compa Doula? 

Even before the pandemic, our doula and midwife would always say, “Woah Austin, you seem so curious about this process.” This was news to me because I was just acting like myself. But I was getting these positive affirmations and it felt good. Then after the birth, I heard of DONA [doula training], which is like, the most official sounding place to get your credentials. I took a weekend course with Ana Paula Markel and I was like, this is awesome. I saw that there’s a sizable amount of female doulas, but not a lot of men who have doula practices. Then it was our lactation consultant that suggested I check out this Dad’s group for some support during the postpartum period. That’s when I realized that, a lot of the time, the things we need ourselves are the things we want to teach others. I wanted to be able to support partners so that they can support their birthing partner. Doulas are truth seekers. It feels like, I don’t know… this is transformative work I guess. 

How has being a doula changed or deepened your understanding of the female experience?

Wow. I’ve learned so much about the female body. I mean, my wife is a pelvic floor physical therapist, so we have a yoni model over here and a vulva model over there. I feel like I’m surrounded by the divine feminine that lives in my wife and my daughter at all times. I see [women] as so powerful and brave. My wife, from the beginning, has always been the type of woman who, like, uses a diva cup and gives her menstrual blood to the plants. I’m not just gonna sit here and watch her do that stuff and then not ask questions about it. Being a doula, in a way, is historical work, anthropological work, and anatomical work. There’s so much storytelling in birth. 

What’s your perspective on home birth versus hospital birth?

It’s all about informed consent. Preparing them for whatever is gonna happen. You’re acting at this beautiful liaison in this big world of birth. A lot of the time, what we see depicted in pop culture are things being done to the mama instead of her saying, “Yes, I want that.” Mama’s are already grappling with losing their autonomy by carrying a child, but then when things are getting poked and prodded and adjusted, they feel even more out of control. But between a home birth or hospital birth, one is not better than the other. You need to have all the options available to you. 

What’s it like being a male in a predominantly female line of work?

So sick! I love women. I love that, kind of, “tend and befriend” vibe that women have. In my very first doula course, it was me, one non-binary person, and forty women. Most of the women were actually black, which was awesome because we need more black doulas and midwives. Nothing about it makes me feel insecure about my masculinity. I think the world could benefit from more female OBGYNs and more male doulas. We need to balance some of these imbalances that we have in the world. 

What is your trajectory for Compa?

Well, I’m starting my own dad’s group. It’s gonna be a little bit more geared towards the spiritual nature of being a dad. I want to have a group where men can come together and talk about the emotional nature of their lives. So that’s next. Then, I’m working on making a curriculum to teach a birth prep class just for the dads. I mean, I googled top pregnancy questions from men, and I realized there needs be more education and there needs to be a safe place for them to ask those questions. 

How has your doula experience informed your role as a husband? 

I think that’s what’s funny about being a doula. A lot of the stuff I was already doing for Casie during the pregnancy are the things a doula recommends. Foot rubs, belly rubs, and eye gazing meditations. Connecting so that oxytocin can flow. That kind of behavior that helps your partner feel supported is also good for the marriage.

The pregnancy journey often focuses on the mother’s role - her responsibilities, challenges, and emotions… However, we know that often times, she isn’t alone. Read more about some of the obstacles men face in their transition to parenthood in our article here!

So talk to me about the postpartum meals you offer! What’s on the menu?

Every little bit of knowledge I’ve acquired about food over the last few years, I throw it in the pot! I’ve learned from a traditional Chinese medicine person about having more warming foods with pregnancy. I can make a really good kitchuri, which is basically this savory porridge with vegetables and lentils. When it comes down to pregnancy, you really want to eat things that are a net gain of energy and nutrients. I also make a bone broth and lots of soups. Not a lot of smoothies though, because they’re cold. You want to be drinking things like teas and broths because they’re warming. 

That all sounds delicious! I was excited to see you offer that.

Yeah, we also encapsulated the placenta and Casie’s milk supply has been amazing. We can’t pinpoint that as the main reason, but it definitely helps. And that’s what’s incredible about birth, really. It’s such a pyramid built up of so many little choices and decisions. If one thing goes awry, you also have 70 other things that you did right. Pregnant people need to be reminded that, “Hey, this is a ten-month process, and all these books that tell you to do this and that are great, but check in with yourself to see what feels good.” 

Coping With Pregnancy Anxiety During a Pandemic

The process of bringing new life into this world is one that deserves to be joyful, secure, and full of exciting anticipation. But what about when the world itself is uncertain, hazardous, and full of new rules and regulations? We cannot ignore the ways in which our lives must change and adapt given the strange circumstances our world is facing. We also believe your pregnancy can still be a beautiful expression of the female experience and you deserve nothing less. Which is why we are offering a few simple daily habits that may alter your experience for the better:

1) Create A Sacred Morning Routine

A morning routine that you look forward to the night before and gets you out of bed the next day is something worth cultivating. A few simple moments taken for yourself can set the tone for your entire day. So, be protective and even a little selfish about this time- after all, it is for you. You’re growing a tiny human in your own body, for goodness sake. We suggest starting with either morning breaths or meditation followed by a skincare routine you absolutely love. We challenge you to not check your phone the first thing in the morning- studies have actually found it causes anxiety that lingers through the day when you read emails as soon as you wake up. Try to go a full hour without looking at your phone- set your alarm, or buy an old fashion alarm if you think you’ll feel tempted, and do your best to start your morning naturally. Then go ahead and indulge in that 200 milligrams of caffeine while catching up on your favorite podcast (check out the Armchair Expert Pod if you’re into laughing and soul searching, which we know you are).

2) Incorporate Adaptogens Into Your Diet

If you haven’t heard this buzz word around your local health food store or a wellness blog by now, it’s time to get into it. Adaptogens are super herbs and mushrooms (not those kinds of mushrooms) that grow in harsh climates which they’ve learned to adapt. Because they’ve developed this radical adaptation, once they are ingested into the body, they help us adapt to whatever harsh climate we are facing such as stress, lack of sleep, and muscle strain. They find what we need and adapt. Pretty cool, huh? They are often in powder form and go deliciously well with coffee, tea, and smoothies. Some examples are ashwagandha, Shatavari, and maca. Keep it simple by trying out this adaptogenic wellness blend in capsule form, Super You from Moon Juice, proven to reduce cortisol over time by 30%.  

Super You

3) Connect The Mind And Body

It’s easy to forget that we store emotions in neglected parts of our body. Tight muscles and achy joints are not just caused by exercise or overexertion. Release whatever your body may be holding onto by using a foam roller. Lay on the floor, belly up and place the roller vertically between your shoulder blades. Release your arms out wide and gently roll back and forth, opening up the chest. Breath deeply into this heart-opening exercise and you may be surprised with what comes up. Roll with it.

Foam Roller

Read our article with a few yoga poses to help you gain mental clarity and reconnect with your breath! Check it out here!

Look, we know that all the tips and tricks in the world will not be able to soothe inevitable stress. Fear, uncontrollable emotions, and future tripping are abundant during pregnancy even without a global pandemic present. But that’s where we’re at right now. And this will always be your story to tell. And you’ve got this.

BRAND YOURSELF PODCAST INTERVIEW W SARA LYON

Why she’s amazing:

Sara founded Glow Birth & Body in 2010 as a childbirth educator, doula and massage therapist. The mission of Glow is to empower more women to feel good in their bodies during pregnancy and receive the support they need to achieve a fulfilling, non-traumatic birth experience.

Nearly 10,000 clients later, Glow continues to thrive as the preeminent prenatal massage source in the Bay Area. And Sara’s latest venture, The Birth Deck, is a compilation of 50 super effective comfort techniques for childbirth housed in a deck of cards and mobile app.

In our conversation, she shares:

• How she structured her business so that it could basically run itself and so that she can be bi-coastal

• What led her to study massage therapy, women’s health, and birth in the first place and why she moved to Australia for 5 years to deepen her education

• The role collaboration and partnerships played in the initial traction and growth of her business and the role they play today

• Why she recommends narrowing the focus of your business and the reasons it sets you up for success

• Her top 3 tips for building referral partnerships with other wellness practitioners

• And so much more!

Resources:

• Glow Birth & Body’s Website

• Glow Birth & Body’s Instagram

• Glow Birth & Body’s Facebook

• Glow Birth & Body’s Twitter

• Glow Birth & Body’s Pinterest

• The Birth Deck’s Website

• The Birth Deck’s Instagram

• The Birth Deck’s Facebook

• The Birth Deck’s Youtube

Time to Think About Pre-ternity by Avra Siegel

A trimester or two ago (I’m now 38 weeks pregnant), I was texting with a friend of mine, also pregnant, lamenting how terrible I was feeling. I had been up all night, stricken with nausea, frantically Googling “heartburn or heart attack?” because my epic chest pains were so bad that they were making me feel faint.

I’d been Deputy Director of the White House Council on Women and Girls, and then worked as Director of Public Policy for Care.com. Yet, I was totally unprepared for how challenging pregnancy would be--and felt uncomfortable voicing this to anyone but someone else who was also pregnant.

I didn’t want to be seen as complaining or ungrateful -- or even worse, not committed to my career. And I know I’m not alone. For the millions of American women who work outside the home, the career consequences that frequently accompany starting a family can begin during pregnancy, well before the baby arrives. The truth is, pretending pregnancy doesn’t sometimes suck isn’t doing anyone any good.

Yes, America, finally, is having the very overdue and well-deserved conversation about paid parental leave. But can we also talk about pregnancy for a second -- a life event that three-quarters of working women will experience at some point? 

It interrupts your physical and emotional body in ways that – unless you have been pregnant before – are pretty hard to fully appreciate.  

Let’s take, for example, this whole “morning sickness” thing. Almost 90 percent of women experience some symptoms of nausea during pregnancy. Ninety. That’s not the exception, it’s the rule. Of course, it’s not necessarily “morning sickness” at all – for millions of women, it’s more like “all-day” sickness, an ailment that can make you feel nauseous 24/7 for months on end. Some of us are even lucky enough to experience this for the entire duration of our pregnancy.

I have spent countless days triaging. I’d time my meetings and work for the first half of the day when my nausea was less severe and building in afternoon breaks to account for the freight train of nausea and exhaustion that I knew would come. In between I’d forage for something with any semblance of nutrition to eat, even though just a waft of fresh-cooked vegetables made me gag.

That’s been my life for 9 months – and it doesn’t leave a lot of room for being productive at work.

It’s time for employers and politicians to recognize that pregnancy is hard, birth is messy, and being postpartum is an actual medical event that requires recovery.

At Care.com, I was extremely fortunate to have unlimited paid sick days, but many workers don’t have even one. In fact, only 60% of workers have access to paid sick days, and those who are left out are at the bottom end of the income scale.  More than 82 percent of low-wage workers don’t have access to paid sick days, and the majority of low-wage workers are women, many of whom are women of color. Additionally, forty-three percent of women working in the private sector are not able to take a single paid sick day when they are ill. 

My heart breaks for the waitress who has to be on her feet all day, smelling the fumes   from the kitchen, trying to hold herself together as a cranky customer gives her a hard time, and she grits her teeth, swallows her nausea (literally) and musters all the strength she has to just to get through her shift. Now there’s a woman who needs a paid, job-protected sick day.

Or how about the array of doctor’s visits to attend, especially women experiencing high-risk pregnancies who may need three or four times the number of typical pre-natal appointments? The fact is that for a variety of reasons, low-income women face a greater number of risk-factors during pregnancy, and those are the very same women who are far less likely to have access to paid sick days.

From my work at the White House and at Care.com, I know there are simple, low-cost fixes that could help keep women healthier and encourage safer pregnancies, all the while reducing absenteeism and increasing productivity.

The array of flexible work arrangements such as teleworking, flexible start-stop times, and even the new rage of nap-rooms (yes, nap rooms!) could alleviate so much stress for pregnant workers.  (Care.com has four of them)

For hourly workers, companies could use technology that allows for ease of shift-swapping, so that when a pregnant woman needs to adjust her schedule, she has the ability to do so more easily. These types of solutions allow for all workers and employers to benefit, with the added bonus of making work more flexible and manageable for pregnant workers in particular.

Even more important than enabling these women to be more productive at work, ideas like these help foster a culture of trust proven to help companies and organizations retain their valuable talent and participation in the workforce the long run – a benefit to families, companies, and the broader economy writ large.

I told my bosses the reality of my condition during pregnancy and am so lucky to have received full support and encouragement from the CEO down. All of us pregnant women who are in a position to do so can do our part to speak up at work. Because each and every time you tell your manager how you are feeling, you empower other women to do the same. This single action gives confidence and credence to those around you and helps to change the workplace culture from the ground up.

Let’s be real: it’s not like women got pregnant on their own – there was another person 50% responsible for that pregnancy. But men just happen not to be the biological sex that bears the child, and so all the consequences of the pregnancy fall on women because of our physical role in childbearing and rearing. When our laws and workplace policies do not account for the reality of pregnancy and childbirth, it is the height of gender inequality. We must do better, not because pregnancy is a disability, but because it is actually a condition that should be honored, revered and celebrated.

We are perpetuating the human race after all.

---

Avra Siegel, Gender Equity & Workplace Policy Guru

Avra Siegel is Policy and Strategic Partnerships consultant for the private and public sectors. She was formerly the Director of Public Policy and Strategic Partnerships at Care.com after serving as the Deputy Director of the White House Council on Women and Girls in the Obama administration. Avra also held positions at the White House National Economic Council where she led the women’s economic security portfolio.

Sex After Kids: Talking Postpartum Sex with Midwife Leopi Sanderson-Edmunds

Leopi, what do we need to know about the postpartum period that will help us understand the libido after baby?

Perhaps the most important thing to learn about postpartum sex is the role hormones continue to play in the postpartum physical experience. The breastfeeding hormone prolactin will reduce a woman’s libido, and even make her mucosal membranes dryer, including her vagina, which makes sex uncomfortable without adding lubrication.

For people who are highly sexual, the shift can be quite a shock, but know that it’s normal! It’s very rare that someone is highly sexual when they are postpartum and breastfeeding. The shift is so dramatic that it can be scary for a woman if she really identified with her sexuality prior to pregnancy. She can feel really lost without that natural desire. She can feel numb.

How does this new physical reality impact the relationship dynamic?

It’s so important that both partners are totally aware of the hormone shift involved with breastfeeding, and the physical impact of those hormones. Don’t feel threatened by these changes, or insecure, it’s a necessary process that will change again when breastfeeding ends.

Partners often feel like the new mama doesn’t love them as much as before she gave birth, and that she’s spending all her time with the baby. Meanwhile, the mother starts to feel unsure of herself because she’s always rejecting her partner since she doesn’t feel affectionate or sexual. The hardest part of the postpartum process is not knowing how to talk about all the changes in the core relationship, how to express these emotional and physical feelings.

Your doctor will almost always say that after six weeks, or sooner, you can resume sex if you’re not bleeding. That’s the typical expectation: at six weeks we’re going to get back to it! I’m going to have my body back and we’re going to be so in love, and now our little baby is here! But this high expectation that there’s going to be normal sex happening again soon after birth, especially on the part of the person who didn’t birth the baby, is often met with disappointment. Lo and behold, most people get to six weeks, and sex is just not happening the way they anticipated.

For the mother there is a sense that the six week healing “deadline” is approaching, and she’s like, “oh my gosh, we’re going to start having SEX?! I’m not ready!”  Her body is being held onto and touched constantly by the baby. She’s tired, but it’s also the prolactin hormone that’s driving her brain and body to be focused on this little baby, and not her own desires or the desires of her partner. From another perspective, the perspective of evolution, it’s actually kind of perfect!

Both parents are going to be exhausted, and the partner also might not always feel like being sexual. Heterosexual couples live with the reality that the male partner has testosterone and still has a sex drive, that didn’t go away with the birth of their baby. So, here we have two partners, one with testosterone who is desiring sex, and one with prolactin who does not desire sex- it’s not a personal thing, it’s very important to understand that it’s purely hormonal. This does not exclude same-sex couples from a similar conundrum: one partner does not have prolactin, and is desiring affection and sex, while the other does have prolactin, and isn’t in the mood.

Most mothers are feeling more love than ever for their partners after birth, they’ve just had this child together. She’s hopefully feeling safe and protected by her partner, even though there are totally new dimensions of each other that they’ve never experienced before. This newness in the dynamics of the relationship can be really tricky to navigate.

The mother is so tremendously devoted to the new baby, and the partner can easily become threatened by this bond that is growing outside of his relationship with the mother. It can be disorienting, both emotionally and physically, due to exhaustion. Hard nights and tough feelings can mean that sometimes a couple just needs to look away from each other for a time, and go through their huge growth curve as human beings; there is a lot happening for each of them.

How can couples work together to maintain intimacy during the postpartum phase?

Women need to stay connected to their sexual selves. Enjoy your beautiful body that’s just given birth, your full breasts that aren’t sexual for the time being, but they are feminine and life-giving. Let your romantic and sensual understanding of what you’ve just achieved with your body take the place of sexual desire. I remember feeling extremely romantic and sexy, I just did not feel sexual, and that’s a big distinction.

It’s important for her partner to look at her, not just at what she’s doing, like a cow milking all day. She needs to feel attractive to her partner. Her partner is responsible for continually reminding her how beautiful she is with words and welcome touch that can be sensual rather than sexual, like kisses on her neck, or pulling her in close for a meaningful kiss, things that make her feel desired as a woman, not a caregiver.

It’s hard work being touched all day by a little being, and sometimes a partner’s touch isn’t the thing that will bring her back into her own body. Sometimes it’s some form of body therapy like massage where there is no reciprocity expected, where you can just go within, de-stress and fine tune, and listen to the details of what you need, and then you feel sexier. Also, having really high quality, delicious, medicinal food and eating enough every day is great for the libido.

Maybe most importantly, both partners need to have some explicit agreements in the new paradigm of postpartum sexuality. For instance, “We will be sexual and affectionate regularly without the expectation of sex every time we reach out.” It’s OK for the mother to stipulate, “I just want to be held by you, but that doesn’t mean that you’re going to try moving this into sex every time, because then I’m going to stop reaching out to you. I don’t want to reject you, I hate having to reject you.”

This typical approach-rejection back and forth around postpartum sex sets up a terrible dynamic of isolation from one another. It’s so sad to see this happen, derived solely from the confusing postpartum hormones and exhaustion. It’s so much easier to avoid the isolation if there is open discussion of what’s going to happen postpartum, and agreements made about behavior and communication before it’s an issue.

These agreements can include something like a cue: “When I really want sex, I’m going to give you this sign, and then you’ll know that we’re in that zone.” Which I know sounds silly, but the closeness and the sensuality and the affection and the friendship and the humor are so much sexier than sex to a woman in the first 3-5 months. When a partner changes diapers, makes dinner, wakes up early with the baby so mom can sleep, when he washes the dishes and puts everything away and makes the kitchen beautiful, these are things that are sexy to a woman in this phase.

I know that sounds really dumb, and housewifey, but it actually makes a lot of sense! She needs to feel taken care of, she doesn’t need to feel like just a big mama, always bossing people around or organizing people. And she definitely doesn’t want to be a nag; that feels so unsexy. She wants to feel like she’s being heard and that she’s really respected and appreciated for the hard work that she does all day and all night with her baby, that’s really sexy.

The body does change postpartum, particularly with the breastfeeding hormones. It’s fair to assume that the first few times will be a little awkward, because mom’s like, “Whoa! I can’t believe I had a baby through my vagina!” So let’s assume the first 3-6 weeks you can enjoy sexy touching, kissing and foreplay. This type of sensual interaction can be really lovely for a women who has just give birth and wants to feel like her partner really wants her, really loves her and her body.

When it’s safe to have intercourse, which is usually around 6-8 weeks depending on the birth, mama will be dry due to the prolactin hormone. Use a lot of lube! Many women think it’s because they had stitches, or are damaged from the birth, but this is rarely the case. Often it starts as real fear, then the awkwardness around sex sets in through the repeated attempt and rejection, then it becomes a kind of excuse: “It hurts too much, I can’t do it”, when really it’s just uncomfortable interpersonally more than anything.

Once you start actually having sex, you’re going to realize how good it is for your own body and mind, and for your relationship. At first many women resist sex because it’s really confronting. It’s hard to commit to working with your new body, and with your partner, to overcome what feels like an insurmountable task: rebuilding your sexuality after birth. As a postpartum mom, frankly, it’s such a beautiful, compassionate gift to give your partner sex and in a loving way, because they need it! They really do! If you are able to give your partner sex with joy and lovingness, you will probably end up realizing how much you needed it too.

Do you have any do’s and don’ts for this sensitive time?

DON’T GO FOR THE BREASTS. Just don’t go for the breasts. That is such a turn off for nearly all postpartum moms. Their breasts are being touched and sucked all day, in a non-sexual way, and that’s what they exist for in this time and space. But of course, they’re so beautiful and round and full, they’re very attractive, of course the partner wants to enjoy them! But no, just don’t.  So, where can the partner touch a new mother’s body? Down the spine, the butt, the legs, anywhere the baby hasn’t been touching all day. Rediscover erotic zones besides the breasts and vagina.

DON’T COMPARE PRE-KIDS SEX TO POST-KIDS SEX. Before, there was time, you could just linger. But now, you might just have a quickie, or some foreplay, and then get interrupted by the baby or the kids, and then get into it again later. Sometimes you get into it just enough to get turned on, and then you just have to enjoy that feeling until you can get back into it, and that’s ok! Even if you were turned on and you guys didn’t have your orgasms, it’s so deeply beneficial to turn up that sexual dial again. It’s a great beginning!

BE FLUID AND HAVE A SENSE OF HUMOR. Laugh about how long or short the sexual interaction is, or when you’re interrupted by the baby crying, or when your milk starts leaking mid-sex. This postpartum phase is precisely why I suggest working on your communication early, before birth, so you can flow through this new territory comfortably, because it’s tricky!

EXPRESS YOURSELF. I can’t tell you how many of my mom clients have told me that they are so sick of their partners wanting sex when they’re just exhausted; maybe they’ve been up with the baby all night, it’s 11 am and she hasn’t even gotten any breakfast yet, and her partner is awake and has some free energy and wants to have sex. Resentment easily builds when these two people are living in such different worlds together. The mother needs to feel comfortable explaining her needs instead of repressing it all, hiding her feelings, and possibly becoming depressed.

How do you commonly see couples sabotaging their sex lives after kids?

Physicality, whether it’s sensual, sexual or affectionate, is necessary for both parents’ health and wellbeing. I’ve seen modern parenting evolve so that the baby is getting all of the affectionate love, leaving little between the couple, and this is unbalanced. Parents can sabotage their sexuality and their relationship by over-parenting.

We all read so many books about parenting, but how many books do we read about healthy sexuality or a happy marriage? It’s all about being this ultra-perfect mother and father, and that’s really what we become, this ultra-mother and ultra-father. In this process, we lose a little bit of our identities with the parts that we were initially attracted to.

Be mindful when you are choosing your parenting philosophy; are you making room for your primary relationship? Attachment parenting, the family bed, prolonged breastfeeding, these are great philosophies in theory and sometimes in practice. But, a couple really needs to be educated on the postpartum hormones and make informed decisions about their parenting style with a full understanding of how it may impact their relationship. I actually think that in a lot of ways, the relationship is the primary concern, and the baby secondary, because the baby really needs the couple to be happy and connected and in love and close to one another.

So, really assess what you need as a couple to foster your intimacy. Do you need to get the baby to bed by 7:30 so you can have evenings together for adult conversation? Are you able to sleep in the same bed even with the pressures of night-feeding? Can you make it a goal to be in bed together, touching one another, not with pajamas on but skin-to-skin?

It’s OK to have boundaries with your parenting and with your children in a loving way. It’s a wonderful thing for a child to see that their parents’ relationship is important; there should be no guilt about that. It’s so positive for the child to see that the parents matter as much to each other as the child matters to them.

There is so much guilt around parenting right now: the pressure of perfectionism, all the books, the intellectual inundation. My blanket advice is to be in your body and in your heart. Say “no” when you want to say “no”, you don’t always have to explain everything. If you’re an affectionate, loving mother, then you can say “no” at any time without any guilt.

Leopi, you are the sexiest woman I’ve ever met, please tell us your sexy ways; we need your help!

I’ve always loved to decorate myself in some way, I love to take care of my body, to be in my body. I love being sensual and having beauty around me. I indulge in creating a peaceful space filled with symbols of beauty that help my heart and soul. 

I love giving myself treats like body care therapies and occasional nice meals out. I actually love taking myself out to dinner and being served, especially when my kids were younger. I love to sit in a beautiful restaurant, daydream, eat slowly, and observe people.

I suggest you also indulge yourself when eating at home. Have your treats, a little pot or wine or a mixed drink, of course not too much. We need to have our treats, we are women, we need to enjoy relaxing. Eating your chocolates, along with your healthy diet.

Lingerie! I come and go with that, but after birth, and especially while nursing, having some lingerie that’s fit perfectly to your new body, even if it’s under your clothes and you don’t show it to anyone, it’s a beautiful feeling.

Decorate yourself! Wear some beautiful earrings, get your nails done, fine-tune the things you enjoy and treat yourself. I like having liquid eyeliner on, lotions and oils on my skin.

Nurture your relationships with adults other than your partner. Invest in a variety of  relationships that reflect all of your essential things in life.

MEET LEOPI SANDERSON-EDMUNDS 

Leopi has been a licensed home-birth midwife since 1985, supervising and caring for over 1300 families. In addition to her midwifery practice, she offers care for prenatal and non-natal clients through orthobionomy, a slow and beautiful form of bodywork focusing on bone and soft tissue alignment. Unique in her field, Leopi offers prenatal counseling for women and couples to reach a deeper experience of pregnancy, and birth, no matter where and with whom they are birthing. Leopi also has a BA in Art Therapy and creates phenomenal masterpieces of figure painting. Leopi can be reached via the web at Sanctuary Leopi.

The S Word: A conversation about Prenatal Sex with Leopi Sanderson-Edmunds, LM

As a midwife, Leopi, has a unique view into the sex lives of modern couples. Her approach to midwifery is holistic, incorporating the psychological and social transformations people experience when they are expecting a child, including their sexual realities. I interviewed Leopi on the topic of prenatal sex, expecting her to lay out the best sexual positions to work around the belly, and all sorts of other concrete details. Instead, she got to the core of the issue: change. Below, Leopi discusses how and why your sex will change, and what to do about it. Hallelujah!

-Sara Lyon

Sexuality in a pregnant relationship is totally the other side of the coin from being in love. This stuff is really important to talk about because many people who are newly pregnant are also newly in love. Sometimes they are already at a very evolved and mature relationship, but often it’s the beginning and a romantic sense of one another predominates. They’re making love all the time and exploring sexuality together and relating powerfully to one another this way. For some newer relationships, it’s the opposite, maybe they’re newly discovering each other and they’re shy and they’re not showing their bodies entirely yet. Either way, pregnancy will change the way sexuality is experienced for both partners. 

Be Prepared

Couples benefit from being prepared for the ebbs and flows in their pregnancy, and the shyness that the mother might start to feel with her changing body. I recently spoke with a couple entering this phase. They fell quickly in love, then suddenly she’s pregnant, and her body is changing very, very quickly. Almost immediately, she’s very shy even though their sexual connection is amazing, but now she wants the lights off, for instance. It’s very hard in our culture to not feel fat, but instead to embrace the curves and softness, so I’m trying to help her see the beauty of the softness and the changes of the body in this super ultra-feminine state that it is.

Often the partner is totally into the newness of her pregnant body, but women can actually project on themselves that it’s not beautiful. Don’t get me wrong, many women also feel quite sexy, even in their first trimester of ups and downs physically. In the second trimester, the body feels more feminine: breasts plump and a little round belly pops out. So, it’s an important place to be curious about rather then shy away from: going from being really in love and really confident in the relationship because the sex is good, to accepting the physical and emotional changes that have come. Those are often big shocks to a relationship and this is where intimacy really potentially begins.

I feel that one of the most important things I do for couples is prepare them for this surprise, because they can so easily feel estranged from one another if they aren’t warned. Suddenly, the pregnant woman’s like, “My god, I’m crying all the time!” or “I feel really insecure.” or “I don’t even know who I am anymore, and I don’t even want to look in the mirror, and does he still think I’m beautiful; am I sexy??”

The Murky Time

Up until 16 weeks, you don’t really look pregnant, you just look softer and a little pudgy, and no one really knows what to say to you because they’re not sure that you’re pregnant. That first trimester is the most sexually and emotionally challenging period for most couples.  After about 20 weeks, things can really improve sexually, because you get over the physiological hurdle of the first trimester. There are no certainties, but normally the first trimester’s emotional and physical symptoms last until about 12 - 18 weeks. Women can feel pretty funky until then.

Emotionally, a woman becomes much more internal. She slows way down due to the pregnancy hormones, she may be nauseas, and exhausted. All she can really think about is the reality that she is pregnant. She’s seeing her life changing, she’s becoming more vulnerable and more dependent on her partner, instead of this rich sexual experience they may have connected through previously.  Her body image is changing and it can really rapidly change.

A woman’s changing body image can be very difficult. If that’s not enough, her hormones cause physiological changes in those first weeks, and the things she used to find sexually arousing will often be a turn off: her nipples can be super tender, her vagina is swelling and in a constant arousal state which can be hyper-sensitive, actually making touch uncomfortable. She may also find that her vagina looks different and she may not feel comfortable with this.

Remember, the first 12 week period can be tough and quite shocking.  The depth of complex emotions, even when the pregnancy has been planned can be surprising! Life can be put at a standstill due to hormones and nausea. This uncomfortable experience usually lasts longer than the first trimester and it can be quite disappointing when you’re still sick and you’ve passed 12 weeks. So, of course this is all a shock on the relationship! You’re partner is like, “Well, I’ve never seen you like this!” and you’re exhausted or tired or crying; it’s really difficult for both partners. Some women don’t have these symptoms, and feel great all along, but that’s not typical.

I believe this is nature’s way of helping us to slow down in this modern and pretty crazy world that’s going very very very fast, especially with technology that makes everything even faster, and then there is Googling! Helpful, yes, but it can really put a lot of fear into pregnancy, too.

The first trimester requires you to put the brakes on, so you can feel yourself as just being, slow way down, appreciating everything moment to moment. Sometimes you aren’t able to deal with life as you did before: making schedules, being strong, or super social, and “having it all together”.  The state of pregnancy is a non-linear world!

It’s nature’s way of helping a woman to rest and go within, which is where the baby is, it helps her connect with the baby. The first trimester hormones reset the nervous system, and the way that we settle into the pregnancy.  So that’s a positive to all of those murky feelings.

These primordial feelings can feel dreamy, and sometimes a little scary and unknown. The partner usually doesn’t get it, because he or she isn’t pregnant and can’t possibly understand it; that’s really hard on a couple in those first weeks. Understanding that this is a normal and helpful process in securing the pregnancy can alleviate some of the confusion or judgment between partners.

The second trimester usually, not always, but usually starts a shift into a beautiful space. Around 18-20 weeks, a woman often starts to feel better, more like herself. It’s very important that mama has been taking great care of herself, so that she can come back into her body and move out of the murky, defeated place.

Health and wellbeing are extremely important for sexuality, for coming back into your body, and for getting a hold of the pregnancy and enjoying it. With good eating, resting, slowing down in the world, and having time for yourself, sexuality can be amazing, especially when the baby bump finally comes out. If your nausea is gone, this new evolution can be exciting, and sexy.

Pregnant Femininity

There are many ways of being pregnant. Many many women feel very sexy when they are pregnant, but there is absolutely no judgment if you do not. If you don’t feel well, it can be extremely difficult to enjoy your sexuality. For some, prenatal sexuality can feel really spicy and almost even tribal: here is a couple making a family, whether they’re married or not, they’re bonded and connected like never before. They’re bringing in this life; it’s very romantic and it’s hot, really. It’s a beautiful time to see your sexuality as a woman being ultra feminine. If you can notice it, embrace it, and savor it, there couldn’t be a more feminine time which empowers you forever.

The feminine potency of pregnancy is so seldom discussed, and that’s really unfortunate. It’s the crystallized power of feminine energy. We have this uterus that is finally doing what it was born to do, and the power of that feeling inside a woman, to hold a creative act of life-force inside her body that is coming from love… that’s very sexy. Wear beautiful clothes, feel it, enjoy the silhouette of your body. I love how many beautiful clothing lines exist today to show your shape. Indulge in it!

Sexual Satisfaction

This is a really important time for old love, new love, whatever love, to embrace the changes. There are a multitude of complex feelings, as we discussed, and physically there are many body changes: the breasts can be very sensitive, they plump up and press out, which can be a lovely feeling, or an uncomfortable one. You are really budding everywhere.

You may need to work around certain areas of the body, and give more attention to others; your partner really has to explore. Your blood plasma has doubled, so everything is fuller, fleshier, a little swollen. Even our lips plump up on our face and our vagina. This can be more sexually arousing, but it can also be uncomfortable. In order to accommodate the fleshier pregnant body, you may need more lubricant, or, none at all. Most women are really wet throughout pregnancy, really mucussy; don’t be alarmed. If sexual exploration is done with consciousness, it’s a fantastic time to reinvent everything, and relearn each other: “What do you like now? What does this feel like now?”

It’s an important time to take all of this newness and practice communication with curiosity and gentleness, especially if you’re a couple that tends to be shy. If you begin talking about these sensitive topics now, then you’ve begun something that’s going to be so important for the rest of your lives, for your whole relationship. It’s time to develop friendship, humor, affection, conversation and cuddling. Begin talking about things that are unknown, out of your control, and very raw. Don’t avoid being vulnerable and intimate, and learn to talk about it without judgment of self or other; it will always serve you.

Partners

Emotionally, partners are also shifting. They’re developing into caregivers and providers, even in a dual-income household. They tend to become more protective of the pregnant partner, wanting to spend more time with her. They want to get their lives together and often put a lot of pressure on themselves to do so.

Sexually, some men have difficulty having intercourse with a pregnant woman; mentally, some men can’t put their penis in a pregnant woman’s vagina. It’s like, “Woah! There’s a baby in there!?” They still want to be super affectionate and increasingly attached, but they simply cannot have sex with a pregnant woman, and that’s their truth. However, they can be affectionate and sensual without intercourse, like kissing and oral sex.

Sensuality should never go away, it’s probably way more important than sex. Not just affection, but sensuality; the eroticism of connecting to your partner that way, exploring in a surrendered space together. Just being turned on and having orgasms is so important for our nervous systems, for both the mother and the partner. It’s an irreplaceable space of wordlessness, connecting in hearts and bodies and breath. Its also really, really good for your body! The movements we make with sex are very hard to get anywhere else.

Make it Happen

So, let’s say the pregnant woman is growing and she doesn’t know what to wear, and she’s looking at herself, wondering what will make her feel good- and her partner comes up and gives her lots of kisses along her shoulders and neck and breasts, or playfully grabs her ass. She needs to feel that her partner is attracted to her, not like she’s just carrying their child. But, of course, this is only half of it; more than anything, she needs to feel attractive herself, not just to others.

How can you cultivate your own sexuality?

Take pictures. Really observe yourself and appreciate what’s changing instead of shying away from it. Wear beautiful clothes that make you feel like you’re showing your pregnancy instead of hiding it.

Take really really good care of yourself. Focus on your nutrition, your bathing rituals, the things you find pleasure in.

Surround yourself with the right support people. Talk about what’s going on with your body image, your hopes and your fears. 

Choose positive healthcare providers.  How do your healthcare providers look at you? Make sure they are reflecting back how healthy you are and how normal pregnancy is. This is especially emotionally important if you had IVF. Be sure your provider includes your partner in conversations around the pregnancy, if that’s what you would like. It’s very sexy to a woman and to her partner when the partner is included in her prenatal care, it’s bonding.

Seek meaning in your experience. There are many ways to access the spiritual and emotional side of the prenatal experience. In addition to your primary medical care, make sure you are getting complementary care that reflects the health and vitality of pregnancy. This can come in many forms like yoga, massage therapy or adjunct support like a doula or a prenatal guide. 

It’s really important to me, as a midwife, to help my families keep connecting and exploring in these unknown spaces, not just being functional, but enjoying, having pleasure with one another. We cannot let go of all of ourselves, just to become a mother and a father. We are sexual human beings, and we are brilliant human beings, we are creative human beings; we are so interesting. We need to keep reflecting the magic and the attraction back to one another.

MEET Leopi sanderson-edmunds 

Leopi has been a licensed home-birth midwife since 1985, supervising and caring for over 1300 families. In addition to her midwifery practice, she offers care for prenatal and non-natal clients through orthobionomy, a slow and beautiful form of bodywork focusing on bone and soft tissue alignment. Unique in her field, Leopi offers prenatal counseling for women and couples to reach a deeper experience of pregnancy, and birth, no matter where and with whom they are birthing. Leopi also has a BA in Art Therapy and creates phenomenal masterpieces of figure painting. Leopi can be reached via the web at Sanctuary Leopi.

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The Four Chambered Heart | Meditation or Journaling

This exercise can be done in pure meditation or as a journaling exercise in which you answer all of the questions and more.

Begin seated comfortably or resting on your back with one hand on your belly and one had on your heart. Feel your breath come and go until you find a gentle relaxed rhythm.

Picture your heart, four beating chambers, this muscles giving you life with every pulse. Now imagine the chambers more closely, figuratively dividing the heart into four equal parts:

• The Full Heart

• The Open Heart

• The Clear Heart

• The Strong Heart

The Full Heart, the left upper chamber, beats in abundance, giving freely and receiving freely, without limit. Let your heart swell, fill to the brim and overflow with compassion and appreciation for yourself, your children, your loved ones, your work, your world. Where do you find constriction? Where do you find ease? What can you share and what do you keep? Now ask your Full Heart what it needs from you and from the world. What does it need to create and receive? The Full Heart knows no limits; what would you do with boundless love?

Shift your focus now to the Open Heart, taking a deep, cleansing breath in and then out completely.

The Open Heart, the left lower chamber, pulses to learn, to see the world afresh. The Open Heart beats without judgment and anticipates only love. The trusting Open Heart is deeply wounded by rejection or disappointment. How much joy can you accept? What do you reject for fear of disappointment? The Open Heart can also be the Black Heart; what divisive tools do you use to protect yourself? What hurt have you suffered? Courageously, how open can your heart be? Can you forgive yourself to trusting too much? This is your vessel, let it be strong and let it be buoyant.

Let all of your air out with an audible exhalation, "Haaaaaaa", then breathe in deeply to your belly, expanding your chest until it feels as though it will burst and let your heart be as open as the dawn, then exhale entirely. On your next inhalation, shift your focus to the Clear Heart.

The Clear Heart, the right upper chamber of your heart, the heart that knows all before thoughts arrive. If you’re able to let the water of your thoughts still, the Clear Heart is your spiritual compass. The Clear Heart says, “Trust me, I know. Trust me, I’m always here. Even when hell has arrived, I am here. Even when the most difficult decision must be made, I am here.” The Clear Heart only speaks truth, without fear. When you are connected to your Clear Heart, you fearlessly speak your truth. Quiet your mind. What do you feel? Can you forgive yourself for the times when you’ve been too loud to hear your heart? When your heart has turned cloudy, what has circled in your head: fear or greed or need? You can take time to get clear, to return to this pure center where you know your truth, and you’re taking that step right now.

Take a deep breath in and blow it out powerfully, as if you are blowing away insecurity, and then breathe in grounded courage as you turn your focus to the Strong Heart. Breathe in until your chest is puffed out, and you are the lion, letting that breathe go with a roar.

Finally, the right lower chamber, The Strong Heart, houses your dreams, your power and your abilities. You are able to face the world, no matter the resistance, to pursue your truth. You can bring love in for fuel and give love out without pain. You can stand down a thousand armies and pursue your rightful place. You can risk your career for a vision. You can laugh about your shortcomings without self-consciousness, because you know your strength. What do you want? What can’t you abide? Draw your line in the sand- what’s on your side and what’s on the other? What does your Strong Heart need from you now?

Place both hands on your heart and take a final, full-body breath in, as if from the soles of your feet, all the way to the top of your crown, and then let it go with sigh. As you breathe in again, feel yourself at the center of these four chambers: The Full Heart, abundantly beating; The Open Heart, fresh to the world; The Clear Heart, wise as the Universe and The Strong Heart, driven with clarity. You are all four of these elements and it’s your right to know every aspect of your heart. Spend some time with your heart regularly to reconnect and remind yourself that your heart is both supple and strong, even through upset, your heart beats again.

Parental Leave

As parents and soon-to-be parents, you likely know about the federal Family and Medical Leave Act, which provides just 12 weeks of (unpaid!) job protected leave for pregnant mamas and new parents. We’re lucky in California because working parents are entitled to additional protections and benefits. These additional protections and benefits mean that a pregnant woman in California can take a longer leave from work and some of it is even paid! 

The downside to having all these laws, is that it’s confusing to figure out which ones actually apply to your situation and as a result, employees may not take advantage of all the leave that they are entitled to. Because of this, it’s incredibly important to be informed so that you can maximize your time at home with your new baby.

When Should I Start?

Start the research process early (during your second trimester)

What Are My Leave Rights?

• Determine your eligibility to take leave under each of the three relevant laws: the California Family Rights Act, the federal Family and Medical Leave Act, and California’s Pregnancy Disability Leave law. Your eligibility is likely to dictate how much leave you are entitled to take.

• Educate yourself about your company’s policies and procedures regarding pregnancy/parental leave and other leaves of absence (most likely in your Employee Handbook).

Will I Get Paid While I’m on Leave?

• Confirm you are eligible for 10-12 weeks of State Disability Leave and 6 weeks of Paid Family Leave.

• Review your company’s policies regarding paid leave and use of accrued leave during maternity leave.

What Should I Say to My Employer?

• Once you’ve done your research and you know your options, develop a plan for your pregnancy and maternity leave before presenting it to your employer.

• This is also a good time to discuss any pumping accommodations you may need after you return to work.

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Resources

• Care.com’s Avra Siegel outlines the issues *California provides additional protections to those outlined in this article

• 11 Questions Pregnant Employees Worry About *California provides additional protections to those outlined in this article

• FMLA Fact Sheet

• FAQ for California Family Rights Act and Pregnancy Disability Leave

• California Disability Insurance

• California Paid Family Leave

MEET Rachel

Rachel Gardunio is an attorney with more than six years of employment law experience, and she currently works in-house for a governmental agency. As a working mother of two, she was inspired to begin a practice focusing on working families. 

Rachel provides private and group education to soon-to-be and new parents. She can help you decipher the various laws and policies and assist in developing a plan to bring to your employer so that you can maximize your leave options. She provides a flat-fee consultation in-person in the Bay Area or via telephone throughout California. 

Rachel can be contacted at rgardunio@gmail.com .